


ten things about Papyrus

by zefive



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Papyrus Has Issues, Papyrus Is Not Okay, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-03-07 21:32:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13443819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zefive/pseuds/zefive
Summary: here's a lie: Papyrus is fine





	ten things about Papyrus

_.i_

there’s a wealth of things Papyrus loves.

the warm touch of sunshine, the cool taste of rain. the sky, bright or dark, and the flowers and the grass and the birds, anything and _everything_ , like he will never run out of things to love out here, out from the mountain.

(the only thing Papyrus truly hates, as it turns out, is himself)

 

_.ii_

Papyrus likes Doggo because he doesn’t like Sans.

it sounds very petty, put like that, but it’s suffocating, constantly living in Sans’ shadow. constantly being overlooked and forgotten and _denied_ , because who wants to be friends with Sans’ useless, dorky brother, when they can be friends with _Sans_? and Papyrus loves his brother, he _does_ , but every time Doggo complains about Sans, sharp and angry, it’s like that shadow is gone, and Papyrus can _breathe_.

(Papyrus has, always, been a selfish child)

 

_.iii_

some days, Papyrus regrets seeking out Undyne.

some days, Papyrus regrets the daydreams and the idolizing, the days spent working himself to the bone ( _hah_ ), trying and trying and _trying_ , because what’s the point of blood and sweat, and killing himself bit by bit, if Undyne won’t ever let him into the Guard?

(Undyne lies to him. she lies, again and again, and every time Papyrus smiles as bright as he can, and _swears_ he’ll do better, and every time he hopes it _hurts_ , because Papyrus is a petty, _awful_ , person)

 

_.iv_

Papyrus hates the quiet.

everyday Sans leaves him with a wink and a smile, and every day Papyrus watches him go with a smile, and _every day_ , the door closes on the house like it is a tomb.

the house he lives in is his grave. it is where he will die again and again, not in body but in mind, worn down to splinters and shards, broken not by cruelty or enemies, but by carelessness and his own _brother_.

(no matter how loud he talks, he cannot fill the silence)

 

_.v_

the first time he hurts himself, it’s in a haze.

he cannot remember what sets him off, what triggers the wormhole in his chest, but he remembers that the house is empty (loud) and that Sans is at Grillby’s, and that he cannot _breathe_ , like he is sinking into the shadows, choking on the tar of his own pettiness.

he remembers digging his phalanges into his humeri, and he remembers sobbing and muffling his screams, and he remembers the _hole_ in his chest, gaping and big and _painful_ , and he remembers the faint touch of pain, like blood soaking into snow, and he remembers clarity-

(he hurts himself again and again, after that. finds a knife and holds it close, and marks his bones down, cuts himself to pieces, because maybe then he can rip out that horribleness inside of him. maybe then he can breathe through the void in his chest instead of drowning)

 

_.vi_

the first time he thinks about killing himself, he’s recalibrating his puzzles.

he is pausing in his work, lifting his head, and Snowdin is quiet, as it’s always been, and for the first time, Papyrus realises how much he _hates it_.

he hates it here.

the thought makes something unfold in his chest, something dark and unhappy and _miserable_ , and Papyrus lifts his hands away from his work, stares down at the nicks on his arms, and thinks about dying.

(he will think of it, later, with longing in his chest and disgust in his throat)

 

_.vii_

Papyrus remembers the first time he dies.

it’s his best friend who kills him. his best friend who snaps his bones and breaks his spine, who kills him with kindness and hatred.

it’s Flowey, who yells at him with childish anger, and Papyrus remembers thinking how _funny_ it is, that it’s his best friend who kills him instead of a knife, and he remembers laughing, suddenly and brightly, as Flowey crushes his soul.

(he wakes from it with his soul hammering in his chest, the taste of blood in his mouth, and he wakes from it crying)

 

_.viii_

the first time Sans asks him if he’s okay, he says yes.

(he’s lying, of course)

 

_.ix_

Frisk asks him if he’s okay, and Papyrus hesitates.

_no_ , he thinks, and considers telling them the truth. the thought is like a coin, like a rattle in his head, and Frisk holds his hand, and waits.

“yes,” he says, eventually, and he is not looking at Frisk. “of course! the great Papyrus would never be anything but fine!”

he is smiling. he is smiling as wide as he can, as bright as he can, and Frisk looks at him with despair in their eyes.

( _i’m fine_ , he says to the mirror, later, and when he looks at himself, he sees nothing but a liar. a mistake. a _fraud_ )

 

_.x_

Papyrus dreams about dying.

they’re peaceful dreams. silent. sometimes he wakes, tears on his face, and wishes he could go back to sleep

 

**Author's Note:**

> there used to be this trend in the naruto fandom, where people would write these '[number] things about [character]' and for some reason, i wanted to write one for Papyrus
> 
> so i did
> 
> (i haven't played ut in a LONG WHILE, and it probably shows. apologizes.)
> 
> as always, feedback is _very_ much appreciated
> 
> (at first i forgot to put in 'back' so i just wrote 'feed is very much appreciated' and ??? oh my god me go to slEEP)


End file.
